When did it get cold and dark? What kind of host allows the drinks to run out?
Easy fix. Inside.
***
‘Thanks Bear.’
Card games are brilliant. Forget the game itself – that’s not why people play. They play because it’s an easy distraction from the awkward. Something that keeps the eyes and hands busy so the conversation can flow better. And it is conversation I want to get into.
It had been some time since Lee and I had talked properly. Much has happened. And I feel he needs another chat.
‘So, why are you still living with your dad?’
‘You say “still”...'
This is what I like about Lee, he isn’t afraid to speak out – challenge people, even me. But the best thing about him is that, no matter what, instinctively, he takes it all in and considers it. The trouble is, he overthinks everything. Sometimes things are simple. Especially for someone as clever and switched on as he is. He could do anything – he is one of the only people that doesn’t believe this though. But here and now, I know he’s hiding behind something.
‘...I needed to save money.’
‘Bullshit.’
‘Matt!’
The room fell silent. I held my ground. Lorna did too. She had to interject – she’s kind, but she’s now leaving space for Lee. She knows too.
Looking down, fiddling with his watch, avoiding eye contact, I see a tear drop from his cheek.
‘I had to.’
The gurgle from the sink was followed by the beep from the dishwasher. Even the appliances fell silent for what Lee had to say.
‘I just couldn’t bear living any longer.’
One more tear fell. He hid it well. But not well enough.
‘I tried twice. The first attempt failed. The second was interrupted. Lauren came over – totally unannounced. She suggested I move in with my dad to ensure I’m not alone.’
Fuck.
‘Why did you tell me that?’
Fuck. That’s not how I meant to say it.
Lorna glared at me. No wonder. I glared at myself. I meant the tone to be calm and collected to try and then follow with 'because you’re a strong soul...' but instead, I just sounded offended that he had confided in us.
I wanted to hold him tight. Not let him go. Show him that we love him and he is safe. But I couldn’t move because of the shock.
Lorna stepped up.
I took the opportunity to go upstairs and breath, let Lorna give Lee the comfort he deserves.
As I saw the water on the side, I collapsed onto the floor. Tears streaming down my face.
I can’t lose them both.
Lorna only has a few months left. If Magic was to leave too – I’d be alone. I'll have lost everything important.
No.
I won’t be.
I’ll join them.
***
Lorna was just making more drinks. Espresso martinis – her specialty. Lee was at the table still. I wrapped him in a bear hug. No words were needed. I just need him to know I’m here for him.
And at the same time, I needed to feel him. He doesn’t know it, but he’s more to me than he realises.
Right. Let the three of us enjoy there here and now. Let's enjoy the time we have together.
‘Mag, show us a trick!’
He loves performing and Lorna adores magic.
I hold back the tears that threaten again as I see Lorna’s eyes light up when Mag offers her to pick a card.
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