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Hidden Shadows - Lee (Part 1 of 3)

Updated: Nov 2, 2024

It was the first time I had laughed in months. Is this how they always felt? The thought alone brought a wave of crippling sadness as the realisation that I was sad, alone, and broken consumed me again. Did I even deserve this evening of happiness?


As we walked into the kitchen from the now dark, cold November evening, I questioned why I was still there. Did they want me there, or had I not noticed the signals for them hoping I would leave?


Matt got three new tumblers from the cabinet as Lorna went to the toilet.


'Whisky.'


It was not a question, more just informing me of the next step in the evening.


He pulled the stopper from the crystal decanter and dropped it onto the counter. Heavy-handed would not touch the sides to describe Matt when he’s drunk. How it didn’t smash is beyond me.


He thrust the decanter upside down towards each glass like you would when trying to get ketchup from the glass bottle. He’s well-practised, though – the glass caught about 80%, with the rest covering the counter. He slid a glass across the soaked counter. I caught it just before it slid off the edge. It had such force that even more whisky had sloshed over the side of the glass in transit.


'Whisky.'


This time, it was an order.


Despite despising whisky, I took a sip and tried to rattle off some jargon I once heard from a tasting evening I attended in the Officers' mess a few years ago. It seemed to work as Matt raised his glass with a wide smile before zig-zagging his way to the dining table.


'Let’s play cards.'


Another order.


He slapped a packet of cards on the table as Lorna came back into the room.


'Drink on the side for you, my love!'


'Thanks, Bear.'



***



We were halfway through the game when Matt swiped both arms across the table, clearing it of its contents – including his glass.


'Bear!'


Matt just laughed as if nothing mattered, and he had just told the funniest joke.


'Well, that was shit.'


He was losing.


'Where’s my drink!'


'I’ll go get you one, Bear. You stay there.'


There was such kindness in Lorna’s voice. She would do anything for Matt. It annoyed me. More than it should, really.


Envy? Yes – partly.


But why was she running after him? He should be making her life easier and better – what little she had of it.



***



'Mag, show us a trick!'


Ah, this time of the evening. The "Dance Monkey Dance" part. Magic – aka, yours truly – Matt’s personal jester.


'Haven’t you had enough of my tricks by now?'


With the cards in one hand, I patted his shoulder – like the lads do I thought. In doing so, I slid a card in his jacket pocket. Four of diamonds, I noted.


'Magic…' He looked at me as if to say, "Show me a trick or leave – you’re no use to me anymore."


'Wait for me if you’re doing magic!'


Lorna came running back with three Espresso Martinis in her hands.


'Right. Classic card trick time. You pick a card, mix it in the deck, and I find it.'


Matt was too drunk to be trusted, so Lorna selected a card.


Four of diamonds.


Don’t ask why – I carry a pack of cards with me at all times. Well, always when I see Matt and Lorna – for exactly this reason. I had the second four of diamonds in my pocket from earlier tricks I did. When it was placed back in the deck, I shuffled it to the top, peeled it off in a palm, and replaced it in my pocket as I gave them to Lorna to shuffle.


I could’ve just shuffled through the deck and pulled it out right in front of them, and they still wouldn’t have noticed – they were too drunk. But I liked the practice. When Lorna returned the deck to me, I started looking through them to find their card.


I gasped. 'It’s not here.'


The over-the-top theatrics worked well when they were this drunk. Matt lapped it up like a Royal turned schoolgirl from the over-the-top jester in front of him.


I spread the cards out on the table.


'What was your card? Can you see it?'


Before they had a chance to look, I realised I was playing out the wrong trick. Yep. I, too, was drunk – more than I had realised.


'Oh, I see it!' I had to curve them back as I whipped the spread cards back into my hand.


'But I don’t just want to pull it out – that’s too easy. You want something cool. Something… Magical!'


Their eyes lit up like children on Christmas morning.


'Catch.'


I sprayed the cards at Matt in such a flurry he didn’t have a chance to catch on.


He caught one.


Of course he did. Matt can do anything.


'Did you get it?'


'Er no, this is King of Clubs.'


'Ah…Then you got something better. Can I see?'


Matt handed me the card.


'See here – the king has something in his jacket pocket.'


He didn’t, but that’s a detail that’s about to be totally forgotten.


'Check your jacket pocket!'


Matt pulled out a card.


His eyes grew wide in disbelief. Lorna covered her mouth.


His card.


Lorna gasped and snatched it from Matt as he began bellowing a Royals laugh.


'What the fuck? How? Mag, that was incredible!'


I loved this moment. It’s why I continued practising. To see the mix of confusion and pure joy on Lorna’s face.


It took away slightly from me bringing the mood down during the game earlier. I still felt bad. I knew they hadn’t forgotten what I said – no one would ever forget someone saying something like that. But, for now, I could pretend I never said anything and enjoy this moment. A moment one day soon I will cherish, wishing I could somehow create more.


But that will prove to be impossible.


Why do such joyful moments immediately succeed with crushing sadness? Even as the laughter continues, I find myself looking at Lorna’s stunning, happy gaze, trying to hold back the puffy eyes from welling up.

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